On Relationships & Marriage - Three Essential Lists
Sinner (A short story)

Three things every guy should know about women

by Sanusi IsmailaNovember 7, 2014

No, I’m not a guru with deep insight. In fact, I’m more clueless than the average man when it comes to dealing with the opposite sex, so I can assure you that none of what I am sharing now is originally mine. (Did you just heave a sigh of relief?)

I wasn’t blessed with elder sisters who would have taught me a few things about how to deal with women, especially the one you are in a relationship with because your female friends won’t tell you these things (for some weird reason). Thankfully, I have two super sister-in-laws who fill in the gap nicely, so while I can’t remember what exactly brought up the initial conversations, here are three life lessons I probably will never forget

1. “Fine” is not the answer to “How was your day?”

Who would have thought? Lol. Before this conversation, I had always detested that question, along with its brothers and sisters in crime: “How was your night?”, “Have you eaten?”, “What did you eat?”, “When are you going to bed?”, “When did you wake up?” e.t.c.

I always felt like there were so many interesting things to talk about, especially today where you are bombarded with information from the moment you wake up, for small talk to be relevant. But I was wrong. Small talk apparently isn’t about making conversation in this case, it’s about connecting and being a part of each other’s day. It’s a huge deal for the women in your life to be a part of your day and seeing as they can’t follow you about all day or send a camera crew with you, it means you have to break it down to the bare details.

So next time someone asks how your day was, the proper answer includes a blow-by-blow account of how your day went. “What did you eat?” requires details of what you ate, where you ate, whether it was good or not e.t.c. Same for all the other rather mundane questions that get thrown at you.

 2. Don’t interrupt – Listen.

You are the soundboard for the woman/women in your life. So you have to listen…always. It’s not enough to just “understand where the story is going” or the point of the story. You have to listen…to all of it! It doesn’t matter if ten seconds into the story, you realize that the point of it is to tell you that she got a new shade of lipstick. Never interrupt with “Oh, so you’re trying to tell me you got new lipstick?” Never.

While that is totally fine with guys, who try to find as many shortcuts as possible to tell you their story, it’s annoying for women. So on that lipstick story? You should pay attention to how it started from last month when she saw someone wearing that exact shade at the wedding, the same wedding where the people wore Aso-ebi she hadn’t seen before. And how this customer whose hairstyle she’s going to try next at the saloon where you refused to sit and wait for her on the day you had planned to go watch English Premier League with your friends, told her to go to the shop that is near the other shop where she bought that top you said you liked and ask the sales girl that looks a lot like her Economics teacher in secondary school…

Don’t interrupt. Listen. She is sharing really valuable bits of her life with you whether you realize it or not, so you ought to listen…and remember, because fewer things cause fight, like you not remembering the name of the Economics teacher that looks like the sales girl in the shop near the shop where she got the top you liked from after the customer with the hair style (which she eventually made) asked told her where to check for the lipstick that she first saw at the wedding with the Aso-ebi she hadn’t seen before.

3. Women don’t lie. But “I am fine” may not be the truth as you know it.

Seriously, women do not lie. [Bros, you know what I am saying right? 😉 ]

Usually, if you think something is wrong or something might be bothering her, you are usually right. However, that thing may or may not be your business. The tricky bit is that it is your responsibility to know what it is and whether or not you are meant to intervene without her mentioning it. You aren’t allowed to ask anyone else either. How dare you by-pass her to ask someone else about stuff bothering her when you can ask her directly?

From this point on it’s a slippery slope bro. First of all, failure to ask what is wrong means you are insensitive (hint: that’s bad). Failure to ask what is wrong at the earliest possible moment you get the chance, is the same offence as above (you are insensitive). Assuming you pass the first two loopholes successfully, you may be given the answer “I am fine/ok” – that is usually a trick answer (and prompt for the next questions you must ask). “I am fine” can mean, “I’m going through a lot at this time but I’ll survive” or “Pastor says we shouldn’t confess negatively, so I am fine noni.” You will have to ask a few times to be sure that all is in actually fact fine.

But you must not pester because you know what? If all is actually fine but it’s some small inconvenience like Aunty Florence’s (Aunt Flo for short) scheduled visit or a broken nail that’s the issue, and you keep pestering with “Are you okay?”-type questions then you are equally insensitive. (At this point guys you should know that a broken nail is a HUGE deal. A broken nail after an activity you have previously advised her not to do on her own e.g. start the generator without the gateman’s help is what is “the small issue” I refer to above).

Statements like “I still feel like something is wrong, but since you say you’re okay, I have no choice but to believe you”, usually leads to you finding out what is wrong, but you should note that such statements also mean you are insensitive as well, just to a lesser degree. All of this said, you must never guess what the problem is, even if you have a strong jujuman that can tell you what it is, and he’s right every single time. Because after the first few times of guessing right, you start becoming the psychoanalyst that’s always in her head (hint: that is bad). And if one day your sacrificial white goat has a black patch in between one of its hooves and you guess wrong, you will learn what it feels like to be there right in the middle of a nuclear reaction.

Bros, If you remember these three things, you will save yourself a lot of trouble in the years ahead. Don’t ever say I didn’t hook you up.


P.S. A woman edited this, so I do not expect to get into trouble. Feel free to use the comments for every other reason but to chastise me.

Oh, there are definitely exceptions, same way not everyone in the world has ever owned a pair of jeans.

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Sanusi Ismaila
Half Genius...Half Unserious.
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